Afraid in a new City

Dear Afraid:
Don't live your life in fear. God does not want His children to live in fear. Sounds like you have found a true friend. If this is the case, there's the telephone, bus, train, plane, boat, webcam, internet… do I need to continue? However, you need to get out more, open yourself up to possible new friendships.

Dear Omar:
Just recently I discovered that I have Hep C. I also found out that my condition is almost at level 4, moving towards cirrhosis of the liver Before folks think that I drink too much, the doctor's believe that I got it through a blood transfusion. 

Death's Door?

Dear Afraid:
I'm not a doctor, but I would imagine if your doctor felt that it was just a matter of time, he/she would have told you to get your affairs in order. Tomorrow isn't promised to any of us. 

However, it's always wise you have your paperwork done, just so there's no drama, you know how family and friends can be and it can be worse if you're gay, black and come from a church going family. Also there are a few treatments available.

In the meantime, write down a list of questions for your doctor; also if you have a close friend/family member, ask him/her to go with you. A lot of times, the patient gets nervous and most times will not ask the right questions. Good luck, and be prayerful.

I sat there in the afterglow but an hour later, he sent a text saying that he's in a "situation". I was shocked since we had discussed who was single, married or whatever. Then he asked, "Do you know what I mean?" I returned the text saying, 'Yes, you are married or something like that". That was the last time that we spoke. What do you think?

Thinking and wondering?

Dear T.W:
What you experienced happens a lot when you have a hook-up, there's a lot a talking, kissing, making out, however, there's no foundation because it's built on having sex only. It's a sexual dance. Once the music stops, it's a wrap. 

There's an old school song, recorded by Jean Carne called, "Was That All It Way? If you've seen the movie, "Precious", it's the song that's playing in the beginning of the movie. The song speaks about lust and the questions that follow after the "trick" is gone.

 If you want sometime more solid, try dating first. Go beyond the sexual, check out the mental, spiritual and financial. Good luck.

Dear Omar:
As I get older my sexual thoughts have become really strange, much wilder. Not that I have done any of it, but I found it alluring. 

Is this normal?

Dear Normal?
What's normal for one person may be boring to another. Depending on your age and situation, perhaps you are going through "midlife", "change of life". Women go through this but so do men and it's really been confirmed after years and y ears of research. 

Like the 50 year old man divorces his wife, of 25 years, marries a younger wife or perhaps he trades in his car and buys a motorcycle; I think you are probably experiencing something like this.

If this is the case, ride it out and but be careful and safe. You can tell your closeness friend but don't tell anyone else, it might get around that you are a freak, and not in a positive way.

Are you experiencing drama in your life and need another opinion, "Ask Omar". Send e-mails to  dear.omar@yahoo.com

Dear Omar:
I recently had to share with my employer my HIV status, and now that I have I feel that my days are numbered with this company, although I am currently looking for something else any way. I don't want the rug sweep from up under my feet. Should I be worried?

Signed: I need my job

Dear I need my job:
You should not be worried there are laws protecting you from an employer letting a worker go because of their health as long as you function on the job, and do what is expected of you, you should have nothing to worry about.

Sincerely: Ready to settle down

Dear Settle Down:
The first thing I think you should do is just sit down with him and find out if settling down is what he wants to do. Then you need to talk about what that looks like, meaning are you guys going to date exclusively. It's important to communicate and listen to each other. What you're looking for may be totally different than his.

Dear Omar:
I am a mother of a son that likes to dress up in women's clothing. I want to be supportive yet I do want to set boundaries. How do I say I am ok with you and your lifestyle, however we need to set some limitations.

Signed: I love you regardless

Dear Regardless:
I think you can show your support by doing what you have been doing, by being there for him and showing him the right way and the wrong way to do things. Unfortunately, we live in a society that still has hatred for those who are different. He's got to be aware of his surrounding and at the same time, be true to himself. 

There's plenty for you and your son to bond over, so be there for him and like a loving parent, let him know when you disapprove or disagree with something. But make sure you set aside plenty of time to talk /spend with your other children, if you have more than one.

Dear Omar:

The first lover I ever had 15 years ago I run into on line. I was in love with this man and he's still in love with me. We have not spoken in over 15 year's!!! 

My current lover has been wonderful and I love him but there's nothing like your first love. I love this man !!!!!!!! But really don't want him to know how much I still care. What should I do?

Signed: My First Love

Dear My First Love:

You didn't mention why you and your first lover broke up in the first place. However, 15 plus years means that you both have changed. Perhaps you two are in love with a memory. Also you are in a solid relationship, would you want to lose that on what once was? Sounds like you and your first have some unfinished business. 

Now if you two meet up, talk and you two decide to get back together, your current lover will be hurt. If you don't explore what your real feelings are, you may live the rest of your life, wondering, "what if". I can't decide on what you should do, all I can do is make you focus on the situation with a clear eye. Are you in love with a memory? Do you want to hurt your lover? Think about it, and let me know what you decide to do. Good luck.

I'm in a non-exclusive relationship, but the problem is we have committed ourselves to get other which means it's not non-exclusive but exclusive. I don't know where the time has gone but we have been together, going on 2 years. I love him but I'm not in love. Should we break it up or continue?

Thank you,  Non-exclusive & confused

Dear Non-Exclusive:

Perhaps you are in your non-exclusive, exclusive relationship because you fear being alone. If this is the case, you need to decide if you're going to change the label from non to exclusive, giving 100% of yourself, to make it work. This is, of course, if your partner is on the same page as you. 

If you are against committing yourself, you need to be honest with your "friend", and redefine what will work for the both of you. You can't have it both ways, non-exclusive then exclusive when it works for you. Honesty and integrity is the key.

Dear Omar:

Look Omar, I moved to this new place, a different city and met this guy that I've been kicking it with for almost 3 years. 

I don't know what to do. I'm not in love with him but I do care about him. What should I do?

Signed: What's Next?

Dear "What's Next":

Sounds like your relationship may have run out of steam. Enjoy the memories because your F.B. has moved on. You may have developed feelings but I get the feeling that for him it could be only sexual. Does he know how you feel about him? If so, did he express interest? 

Communication is the key. If it's just sex perhaps it's come into its expiration date. If its love you're looking for, you have to change the rules within yourself. 

Get to know the person first, become friends first and treasure making love and having sex like its golden.

 Free love, free sex gets old after a while, so build a foundation with yourself, work on yourself, don't go looking for love, love will find you if you're open to it.

I've spent most of my life taking care of others and it's been a blessing, no regrets. Now I'm totally free, not a freedom that I wanted or expected. I'm trying to figure out what I should do with the rest of my life. I don't know where I belong. I'm trying to fit in, but fit where?

Signed: Fit-Less

Dear Fit-Less:

Sounds like you have to reinvent yourself. Come out of your comfort zone. It's hard, I know, people can be rude, mean and selfish. But you sound like you are mature enough to step out on faith, step out on your experience and step out because it's your turn. Don't sit on the sidelines, jump into life, experience the cold, warm, hot of life, inhale life.

Are you experiencing drama in your life and need another opinion, "Ask Omar". Send e-mails to  dear.omar@yahoo.com

Dear Omar:
I told a friend of mine that I've giving up sex. He said that I'm crazy, that men need to have sex. But I want to hold out, till having sex means something.

Tired of Quick Releases.

Dear Tired of Quick Releases:
This is your decision. Many people are "holding out" as you called it. With diseases; syphilis is on the rise especially in the gay community. This has many afraid to have mindless sex. Wearing a condom may protect you but it's not 100% safe, as syphilis can be transferred by coming in close contact. Skin to skin.

Here are the signs: After 6 to 8 weeks, the person may experience flu like, fever, aches, headache, swollen glands. A skin rash may appear on parts of the body, around or on the penis, or hands, feet, on the body somewhere. 

Many times the person may not notice a rash, as the rash could appear between the legs or around the buttocks.

Of course it could be the flu, however, the best way to know is by going to your doctor. And of course, if you do have it, get in touch with your sex partner or partners immediately, tell them to go to the doctor. In many cities, the Health Department will contact them, if you know the name and telephone number of the person. 

If you're sexually active, you should get tested every 6 months for STD's. I agree with you Q.R., what's wrong with getting to know the person that you may have sex with. Syphilis is dangerous as all STD's are, and of course, you already know about HIV/Aids. For more information, you can call your local health department or call 1-800-321-4407.

Dear Omar:
Just recently, I sat around on a Saturday night. I got bored and decided to purchase some escort entertainment. It was my first time doing this and I expressed this to my pending company. When we spoke, he sounded ok, but when he arrived, he asked to use the bathroom. 

When he returned and saw the money I had on the coffee table, of which I was going to pay him once the services were rendered. Well, he saw the money, he quickly put it in his pocket and run out the door. I run after, but he was too fast for me.

I felt stupid and foolish. I hate myself for feeling so empty and alone. What is your take on my mental state?

Signed, Foolish Old Fool

Dear Foolish Old Fool:
You mentioned that you were lonely. Emotional bonding comes to mind, however it sounds like you were way over your head in dealing with "sex for pay".

As alluring as it might have been, especially with movies like "Pretty Woman", you put yourself in danger. Thank God it was money that was stolen instead of your life. 

In the future, pick up the phone & call a friend, go to the movies or go out to a friendly local bar, go to church, join a fitness center, make some new friends, try a dating service, but no more hustlers, escorts, period.

A few days ago, he sent me a "dear john" letter, saying that I didn't appear interested in him and that he was getting back together with his ex. But he and I have never met, it has been an on-line encounter and 30 years is a huge age differience. Am I crazy or what?

Signed, 30 years.

Dear 30 years:
You aren't crazy, it sounds like your young friend is hungry for love and perhaps since you were there and, yes, you are 30 years older, you became more of a father figure. A romance like this, in my opinion, would not last. Just think if he's 30, you are 60. Hello?

Dear Omar:
My ex broke up with me because he claims that I'm too nice and that his other lovers were bitches. I thought about begging him to take me back, telling him that I would be a bastard if that's what makes him happy. Do you think it's a good idea?

Broken-hearted

Dear Broken-hearted:

I think that your ex was looking for a reason to break off the relationship with you. It's easy to put the blame on yourself, when you really don't have a solid reason for breaking up, other than he may not be in love with you. 

Your begging him would not change this situation; it would only delay his decision. Don't change who you are, your prince/princess will come along. As the Supremes said, "You can't hurry love, you just have to wait".

Signed Sexual

Dear Signed Sexual:
Question: Is it love or loneliness? Sounds like you are lonely. Your F.B.'s are probably just as lonely as you are. I'm not saying that you aren't horny, but as you said, after a while, it's empty. Perhaps, if you're open to it, try dating. Tiger's situation is different than yours. 

I don't think that you're a sex addict; personally a lot of folks are using "sex addict" as an excuse for bad behavior. I don't believe that you will be able to change the relationship you have with your F.B.;s, but moving forward, your new encounters should start off with going out for coffee, perhaps lunch or dinner, try a movie, a sports event or a Broadway play. 

Get to know yourself and get to know that new person. You just might find something more than getting laid or after the movie and 

Dear Omar:
I've become fast friends with someone. We talk about everything but there's one thing that I haven't shared with her. I'm HIV positive. I'm an extremely private person, she's invited me to go away with her on vacation, but if I do, my secret will be revealed. What should I do?

Signed: F.F.

Dear F.F:
Wow, this is a difficult question, since everyone who's infected has his/her own way of dealing with it. Being HIV positive is not like it was years ago, as now everyone knows someone with this disease. 

I believe you should get to know her better as sometimes new relationships have fast starts and even quicker endings. 

When it's time to tell her you will know, don't stress about it. In the meantime if you go away on vacation, get separate rooms. Tell her that you like your privacy.

From, Not Rude.

Dear Not Rude:
We like who we like, so I understand you not being attracted to him. It sounds like a new friendship, so I would tell him that you really like the friendship and would prefer to keep it that way, friends only, as you don't want sex to get in the way of what could be a life-long friend. Tell him that you don't sleep with friends. That should do the trick.

Dear Omar:
I'm dating this guy for three years now and every time his birthday rolls around, he claims it's the one time that he has to sleep with a female, we are both males. 

Of course, leading up to his birthday we argue and fight, then he disappears and returns home the day after his birthday. 

I love this man, but I can't stay in a relationship where every year, he allows himself a pass to cheat. What's your take on this sh*t?

Signed: Be Gone

Dear Be Gone:
Funny I experienced that situation once. I agree with you, it doesn't matter if he's with a man or woman, if he's having sex with them, its cheating, as he's using the same equipment, his body. I think you already know what you have to do. Your partner is being selfish. 

Your partner is probably caught in between both worlds, gay and straight. In his mind, if he's able to perform with a female, this makes him less gay. 

But you know that's his issue and not yours. You can neither stay in that relationship and be faced with this event every year or you think with your mind and not your heart, and get the hell out of there.

Are you experiencing drama in your life and need another opinion, "Ask Omar". Send e-mails to  dear.omar@yahoo.com

Dear Omar:
I just found out that someone that I'm interested in has slept around with more than a few people. I realize that there was life before me, however, I'm having a hard time separating his yesterday with our possible future. What should I do?

Didn't Mean to Turn You On

Dear Didn't Mean:
I have found that honesty is the best policy. Hopefully you still want to befriend this person and maybe if you sit down and speak with him and just let him know that you're not interested in that way and that you really like him as a friend and would like to continue that relationship as such. 

Maybe he will be respective to that approach. No one wants to be the bumper or the dumpy. 

But we all have to go through it. When you do it make an evening of it and make it light and fun it's easier to give bad news when you're having a good time.

Dear Omar:
I met this guy on the internet we talked for several days back and forth on this dating site, By the time we met face to face he was calling me baby. 

I'm uncomfortable with that I don't feel we have known each other long enough for him to be addressing me in such a way, not to mention I believe that there is a conversation that we should have before we start addressing each other as such he's a nice guy and I do like him I'm just not sure if we are at this point in our friendship. Should I just call it off?

Don't know what to do

Dear Don't know:
Well this is a very touchy subject and one you will need to address right away. Your friend is comfortable with calling you baby maybe because he may not know the seriousness such a word can mean. Some people use the words like saying hello. you will have to start with letting him know that you

He's already calling me baby and wants to hear from me everyday I have been up front with him and told him that a commitment comes with time but he is just seeing and hearing what he wants. I like him but I don't think its going to work.

Not Ready

Dear Not Ready:
I'm afraid your going have to do the one thing you do not want to do and that's just end your situation with him. 

If he can't understand that you're not ready for a committed relationship then there is no reasoning with him. My suggestion would be to do it sooner than later.

Dear Omar:
I of lately had been in the mood to make love. Passionate, sensual love. I love atmosphere lighting the fire place a glass of wine, good music, and good company and let the night set itself. The problem lies in that I am single, and men my age are only interested in the wham! Bam! Like any other guy I like that but there is more to sex than that isn't there?

Tired of the wham! Bam!

Dear Tired:
You are looking for a mature crowded. You have grown up and graduated from school but you are still good friends with the senior classes 5 years later.

Meaning your hanging out with guys that aren't on your level of maturity. You should try finding more mature men. Men that are like mind and share your love for more passionate love making. Try other avenues outside of bars.

Dear Omar
I just found out that someone that I'm interested in has slept around with more than a few people. I realize that there was life before me, however, I'm having a hard time separating his yesterday with our possible future. What should I do?
Confused

Dear Confused
There are a few things I would like you to think about, first what would you want him to do if the situation were reverse? 

Secondly, food for thought, he told you which shows that he's taking a chance with you, he could have lied about his past. Being an adult and doing adult things is realizing what you have control over and things you do not have control of. 

You clearly have no control over his actions, before you, two, meet. 

Dear Omar
I once read that men think about sex every 3 minutes. If this is true, I think about sex every minute. Am I a sex addict? Thinking about Sex. Addict

Dear Addict
It's not only thinking about sex that make one a sex addict. If you are jeopardizing your way of life and putting yourself in jeopardy, you may need to seek professional help.

Your thinking about sex constantly does not make you an addict, this is the way "men" are built. Men have several erections while sleeping, it's just a natural thing.

Should I break it off? Should I demand that he pick a side? Should I just continue to enjoy our sex life and not take him serious?
TURNED OUT

Dear Turned Out:
I see you've got yourself in quite a pickle, well one thing is for sure, giving him an ultimatum is not going to turn him unless he's ready to join the ranks of the happy gay clan.

You're correct in thinking it could be someone you love in that same predicament, but more importantly, you could wind up in that predicament where your lover is torn between you and another person, male or female.

Dear Omar:
A new friend likes to get drunk then have his sexual encounters rape him? How should I confront him about this? HELP!

Dear Help:

First off, I think confronting him would be the wrong approach. You should first learn more about what your friend likes about this particular role play and to make sure he's keeping himself safe by approaching the situation as a caring friend, an inquisitive friend and not a judgmental friend. Remember role playing can be fun. Maybe with a little help from you, he can enjoy his encounters and stay safe without judgment. He told you this as a friend. Judge not, or you will be judged.

I don't want that kind of responsibility, I enjoy the freedom we have in our relationship, we can pick up and travel whenever.

With children this would stop our flexibility. Now we are fighting about this every other day. CHILDREN OR NO CHILDREN?

Dear Children or Children:

This is a very touchy situation. Let me start by saying, your partner was up front in letting you know how he felt about a family, and you were in from in regard to your feelings.

I think what you both should have done was talk about whether you could make your relationship work with one of you wanting a family and one not. It really isn't a surprise that this is a heated discussion between you two.

Surprisingly enough this is not a gay issue, even straight couples go through this. A question to you, you mentioned about not being able to have flexibility because of children, how do you know this if you don't have children?

I believe it may take a little more planning but it's not impossible.

Try talking to him, I'm sure you guys can come up with something, but remember you're more likely to want children than he is to not.

Dear Omar:
I'm almost 65, black and alone. I find that when I have a hook up with men around my age some are interested in CBT. At first I didn't know what that meant, but it means Cock and Ball Torture.

I was asked to smack his testicles to the point they turned beet red, the guy was white and he really enjoyed it till climax. Another white man wanted me to insert a thin metal stick into his penis head, push this completely in, till it disappeared. It's like the enjoyment is based on infliction of pain.

Is this normal for older men to push the sexual envelope to the point of confusing pain with pleasure? FROM GREAT BALLS OF FIRE

Dear Mr. Fire:
This is not unusual for men to push their sexual limits. It's a matter of choice. What may satisfy one individual may be a turn-off for another.

You should educate yourself However, if this is not a turn-on for you, you should discuss this before the encounter, this way, they're are no surprises or disappointments.